For many couples, a sexless marriage is a painful reality. It can leave both partners feeling lonely, frustrated, and unsure whether things can change. If this is where you find yourself, please know you are far from alone, and that many couples move through this with understanding, patience, and the right support. Our expertise as couple and psychosexual therapists can provide your relationship with support.
What is a “sexless marriage”?
Definitions vary. Sex therapist Barry McCarthy describes it as a long-term relationship in which a couple has sex fewer than ten times a year. By that measure, a surprisingly large number of couples are affected, with some estimates as high as 20 percent of married couples. Certainly, in our practice it is a very common occurrence.
Others point out that frequency tells only part of the story. What matters more is the level of desire, warmth, and shared joy in the couple’s connection. Is there still an intention to give each other pleasure? Is there a sense of being wanted? Men and women are equally affected, and both can feel hesitant or hopeful about reconnecting.
Looking beneath the surface
A lack of intimacy is rarely the root problem. More often, it is a signal that something in the emotional bond needs care.
We can long for our partner (“I need you, I want you”). We can long for our partner to want us (“Tell me I matter to you”). Or we can long for both. When these needs go unspoken or unmet, partners may quietly pull away to protect themselves, often without realising it.
How distance builds over time
Many couples begin with warmth, excitement, and closeness. Over the years, life brings stress: work pressures, money worries, parenting, illness, or simple exhaustion. These are the moments we most need our partner to turn toward us.
When one partner reaches out and is met with distance, irritation, or silence, it can hurt deeply. Over time, one partner may pursue more strongly while the other withdraws. Neither is acting from a lack of love. Both are coping with the pain of feeling disconnected.
Physical intimacy may then become mechanical, infrequent, or emotionally flat, which is lonely for everyone involved. The encouraging truth is that the problem lies in the pattern between you, not in either of you as a person.
The wisdom of emotional connection
Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy taught that adults need secure emotional bonds with their partners, just as children need them with caregivers. When that connection feels threatened, we protect ourselves in ways that can push our partner further away.
Her work reminds us that couples get stuck in negative cycles, and that these cycles, not the partners, are the real problem. At the heart of it is a simple question every partner quietly asks: “Are you there for me?” When the answer becomes a reassuring yes, safety grows, and from safety, desire has room to return.
Differing desires are common
It is very common for partners to want different amounts or kinds of intimacy. One may crave closeness more often, while the other feels pressure or distance. Differing desire is not a sign that your relationship is broken. It is something that can be understood and worked with, free from blame or shame.
Steps toward reconnection
Name the pattern, not the blame. Try “We seem to get stuck when…” rather than “You always…”
Share the softer feelings. Beneath frustration or silence there is often loneliness, fear of rejection, or a longing to feel valued.
Turn toward each other daily. A warm greeting, a hand squeeze, or truly listening rebuilds trust.
Let go of pressure. Taking intimacy off the table for a while can reduce anxiety and allow affection and touch to return naturally.
Be patient with yourselves. Every small act of openness is progress.
Support is here for you
At our practice, we have a qualified psychosexual therapist who works with couples and individuals experiencing differing levels of desire, and with the many factors that shape intimacy. Sessions are offered online, so you can begin from the comfort and privacy of your own home, at a time that suits you.
There is hope
A sexless marriage does not mean a loveless one, and it does not mean the end of passion. With compassion, courage, and the right support, partners can move from distance to closeness and discover that intimacy can flourish again.
Reaching out is a sign of strength. Your relationship is worth the care, and change is possible.