The couple walks in, sits down heavily and says we fight too much.

We have all bought into the notion that if we love each other there will only be harmony and contentment. If only. We know that we have to work at our relationships. Anyone who has a successful marriage will know that there are moments when there is disconnection.  There are moments when we are unhappy. The secret to a happy marriage is to embrace those moments and not to shun them. The greatest problem is that we are not taught how to argue or in my language negotiate difference. 

A good relationship is a sequence of connection, moments of disconnection, negotiation and then reconnection. The beauty of a healthy relationship is when we are able to navigate our way through these moments. Negotiation and reconnection bring depth to a relationship. If we were always feeling super connected we fall into the trap of taking our partner for granted. We are so contented we stop noticing. When we have a moment of disconnection it forces the relationship to look more deeply when we move into reconnection we have repaired the gap and made the relationship stronger. 

When a relationship is constantly in the phase of disconnect there is the danger that we move further away we become polarised. So in order to be happy for ‘ever after’ we need that healthy balance of acknowledging that our partner is not our clone, be willing and know how to communicate so that when we do disagree we know how to get back to harmony.

So have you learned how to disagree in a way that brings you closer?

If not contacting a counsellor may help.

by Pam Custers SW19 MA Pg/Dip (RELATE) Accredited MBACP, listed counsellor/therapist