Individual & Relationship Counselling. Wimbledon - Kingston Upon Thames - Putney - Surbiton

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Family Loyalty

Family loyalty is such a complex thing. Blood is thicker than water. Our family of origin is where we learn the many unwritten rules of how we relate. We can often hit a snag when we form our own families and new rules and loyalties need to be forged. Many years ago I met a women who felt her marriage was in tatters. It became clear that she had never been accepted by her mother in law and to compound matters her husband, in her eyes, never supported her. She was distraught. She had been married close on thirty years and this feeling of not having her husband’s loyalty had coloured her marriage.

Making the emotional transition from family of origin to our partners is a difficult step. When we are able to shift our primary relationship to our partner our ability to make joint decisions that are in the best interest of the new family become less fraught. It is heartening to see how a gentle shift and a release from the guilt of divided loyalties can reduce conflict so rapidly.

I still think of those thirty years that that woman lived in what felt like emotional purgatory and how sad that she left it so long. The emotional transition may not be easy as loyalties run deep. Our respective families of origin are the foundations on top of which we build our own family with its own rules and dynamics. The interesting thing is that in getting our priorities right we do not take anything away from any of the important relationships. They all just seem to fall into place.

Pam Custers

Relationship Therapist

Looking for Couples Counselling? Two Important Questions to Ask  

So, you are experiencing some problems in your marriage and you have decided that it would be useful to have some couples counselling. This is may be a turning point in your relationship. Deciding on who you are happy to work with and can trust is imperative. Finding a well-trained and accredited therapist who has experience is key to the process being useful.

Therapists are trained to ask questions but here are some questions you need to ask. Is your therapist experienced and trained in couples counselling? Counsellors, sadly, are not all made equal and the term is not protected. Couples counselling is a complex process and requires specialist training in order not derail a relationship. Not all counsellors are trained specifically in relationship counselling. Ask how long the training took place (months or years) and was it general counselling or couples counselling. Relationship counselling takes several years and many hours of supervised training.

Is your counsellor accredited? This is not the same as a membership of an organisation.  Membership is often just having a yearly subscription and registration to do a counselling course. The key is the word ‘accredited’ (accred) which indicates that a rigorous process of examination has been successfully completed and compliance with a range of ethical procedures is well and truly in place.

So, before you launch yourself into a process that can either be the making or breaking of your most cherished relationship ask these two vital questions. Is your potential therapist accredited and how long was the training specifically in couples/relationship counselling?

I welcome you contacting me to have this important conversation so that you can make the right decision which will impact so significantly on your future.

Pam Custers is an experienced therapist working with individuals, couples and families. Accred MBACP. MA. BA (Psych) Hons and is a RELATE trained and registered counsellor. Contact 07572 841 388