Individual & Relationship Counselling. Wimbledon - Kingston Upon Thames - Putney - Surbiton


family therapy

Are you lonely in your relationship?

Connection is the corner stone of all good relationships.I have worked with so many people who often sit in my room and talk about the fact that they are not particularly unhappy but they feel like they are living parallel lives. There is nothing as painful as feeling alone within a relationship.

Loneliness and isolation has the same impact on our lives and our longevity as being a heavy smoker according to research. Isolation fundamentally impacts our well-being. Feeling connected is the corner stone of being human. The moment we take our very first breath we are in a relationship with our mother or primary caretaker. We take our first breath and we are not looking for food but looking for connection. The way our needs are responded to develops our internal working model of the world. Those early years form a template by which we engage with our world and all our relationships through out our lives. That template is seen most keenly in our love relationships.

There are three main types of connecting (they are neither good nor bad simply different like the colour of our eyes) and whilst our partners or loved ones may temper our attachment style, in times of stress we revert back to type. Understanding our attachment style and how we make connections can be the mysterious key that unlocks our ability to connect. When we embrace the style that we have developed over time we are able to connect in a way that provides us with the nurturance our soul desires. Love becomes something that we experience because we feel heard and accepted the way we experience each other is open accessible and engaged.

Research has shown that our physiology changes when we have meaningful dialogue that allows us to feel connected. I am always blown away by how our sense of connection and love is transforming at such deep physiological level never mind psychological level.

This year lets open up ways to have meaningful connection. This can be with all our loved ones. Those connections can be cultivated in non romantic relationships too. So in essence I wish us all a truly connected year,

If you are curious about what attachment style you are stay connected. If you know someone who would like to know more about how relationships work. Please pass this on.
Pam

Family Loyalty

Family loyalty is such a complex thing. Blood is thicker than water. Our family of origin is where we learn the many unwritten rules of how we relate. We can often hit a snag when we form our own families and new rules and loyalties need to be forged. Many years ago I met a women who felt her marriage was in tatters. It became clear that she had never been accepted by her mother in law and to compound matters her husband, in her eyes, never supported her. She was distraught. She had been married close on thirty years and this feeling of not having her husband’s loyalty had coloured her marriage.

Making the emotional transition from family of origin to our partners is a difficult step. When we are able to shift our primary relationship to our partner our ability to make joint decisions that are in the best interest of the new family become less fraught. It is heartening to see how a gentle shift and a release from the guilt of divided loyalties can reduce conflict so rapidly.

I still think of those thirty years that that woman lived in what felt like emotional purgatory and how sad that she left it so long. The emotional transition may not be easy as loyalties run deep. Our respective families of origin are the foundations on top of which we build our own family with its own rules and dynamics. The interesting thing is that in getting our priorities right we do not take anything away from any of the important relationships. They all just seem to fall into place.

Pam Custers

Relationship Therapist

www.pamcusters.co.uk

Perfect Parenting

There is no such thing as the perfect parent. There I said it! Many of us strive for that goal which in its self is not a bad thing but not if it makes us feel like a failure. Children don’t need a super parent, nor the perfect version of you just you with all the imperfections. We can easily get trapped into thinking we have to be perfect at all times. We all have good and bad moments but the key is to know how do we get ourselves back on track when things go awry. There are a range of ways to get things back on track.
Key to good parenting is to model behaviour that we wish our children to have. If you don’t agree, brainstorm with your child different options to tackle the conundrum. Relax about saying the right or wrong thing, make an educated guess and if your little one has more info on the subject be happy about being enlightened. Make mistakes “Oops I interrupted you, sorry” Play with your children, relaxing and just allowing some free play will connect you with your child.
Be kind to yourself; you are learning as much as your children. Parenting is a moving feast if one set of parenting tips doesn’t work that’s ok try something else. If parenting is overwhelming you that’s ok, seeking help is not a sign of failure indeed it shows that you want to have a flourishing family.